Question for you…

Would you be okay living a content life that was void of passion vs. a chaotic life that was full of it? 🤔

 

This is my ongoing dilemma..

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What aggravates me is this…

Yes, I’ve let myself go physically within the last few years.

It is nothing I wanted to happen, for a long time I just was unable to maintain the positivity to sustain the emotional motivation that was necessary to take care of myself.

I wanted to disappear. In my dream world, at the time, I was invisible. So, really, why would an invisible person care about what they looked like? The only constant desire that I had was the need to find a way to make myself feel better.

Btw, yes, a mentally and emotionally stable individual might have handled this situation better than I did…. however, I have never been categorized as an emotionally or mentally stable individual.

I was, and to some extent still am, a total mess…. Currently, the outside of me reflects the inside of me a little more accurately than it used to.

And here’s where the real problem lies… I am really unhappy with the way I look physically. I am trying to improve myself all the time, because I know that I will never be satisfied living my life this way. I absolutely need to find a way to change my current circumstances, no matter what.

But here is the point that I have been trying to make…

I am still SO much better now psychologically than I was before and I am definitely an all around healthier person than I was 5 (actually almost 6 years now) ago… even though I was skinny then and a lot more pleasing to look at.

so what’s funny is that when everyone considered me to be better off, when I was “attractive” to everyone, I was in the midst of a dangerous, daily routine of injecting pain killers & heroin into my arms.. I was on the fastest track I could take to my grave.. and at the time I couldn’t have cared less… but apparently that is the prefered version of me, over the chunky version of me currently.

But thankfully, fate saved my life by blessing me with my amazing children.. which then in turn motivated me to get clean, for them.

Clean. Yes.. finally!

But not sober.

Unfortunately my inner issues didn’t just go away after I became a mother..

They did, and still do, affect me every day.

Thus, soon after I said my farewell to opioids… my dependency on alcohol began…

I was, and still am, a high functioning alcoholic.

My reasons for drinking regularly started out innocent enough.. to unwind, de-stress, relax… 😈 it was well deserved, of course…..

But this “well deserved” decision then lead to extreme weight gain.. (because my preferred beverage was 6-12 mike’s hard black cherry lemonades every single night)… the calories!😬😑.. and the dental problems… it would eventually wreak havoc on my overall wellbeing.. (but I was unaware of the incoming shit storm I had created).

My drinking was and is a huge struggle that I am trying to overcome on top of everything else. I’ve made great strides, but I’m far from recovered. It’s a lot trickier of a habit to kick than illegal drugs are.. drinking is socially acceptable in every area of life, and drinking is usually socially expected of you in most settings as well.

I have never been offered therapy, or given any tools to help me get through any of this.

So, I am white knuckling & free balling this whole entire thing.

I’ve had victories, but I’ve also had a shit ton of challenges and setbacks.

Yet, I am still fighting like hell & struggling against the darkness inside of me with everything I have.

So to all of the haters!…after some of you are finished making fun of me, or mocking some of my hideous wedding pictures… (yes, I realize it’s a terrible before and after of me)…

Please do me a favor and take a second to realize what a really weak bitch you are in comparison to me.

My demons could destroy yours in seconds.

And I continue to battle them on my own every single day.

And although I am not very proud of the reality of my current situation… I am praying to you, Lord, that I will finally find my story to tell. And hopefully you all will have a reason to listen to it.❤️

 

A blog a dozen….

I’ve got a story to tell. Hopefully you have a reason to listen.

To start, I’ve got a brief summary of the storyteller for you… I’m a married mother of two… I’ve been clean for almost 5 1/2 years and I’ve been an alcoholic for almost 5 1/2 years (yes, the math is correct) I’ve never been totally sober & I actually don’t know if I ever will be… I grew up a skinny freckled pale red headed girl, & now I am a fat freckled pale red headed girl… I’m not proud of being chubby, I actually hate it, I was never meant to be overweight and my psyche knows it… I have a husband, who I first only became involved with because he was giving me free drugs…. he used to be a shit head drug dealing loser, but now he’s actually an incredible, stable, loving husband and father… he really made a complete 180, beforehand I honestly never would have believed it…. he treats me like a princess & loves me unconditionally, despite all of my skeletons & shortcomings.. however, I am not so loving… I actually agree with him when he occasionally calls me a miserable bitch in anger… I do act like a miserable bitch… I don’t know why I do, but it’s the truth… I don’t know if I am really “in LOVE” with my husband, but we’ve been through so much together, there is definitely love there… our situation isn’t the norm, and I have no idea how it is supposed to be or how it will end up… but if you are interested in hearing the fucked up, crazy ass story of my past, present & future please like and follow this page so I know I’m not just talking to myself. ☺️